A MODEST IDEA

while driving home today from a week trip to ames - i became very sad - i was thinking about what was going to happen at home this coming week - on friday at 2:30 ish in the morning i believe, a family member died at his own hands - it might not have been as suicidal as it sounds, but it was his own doing and he did cause it - wrecklessness at the hands of a motorcycle - i am sure he didn't mean to do what he did and i am sure that he did not mean to kill himself but what is done is done -

what does this have to do with me now?

well besides the obvious things: family tragedy and needless death - i am saddened because he has left behind a wife and two daughters - one 8 and one 19 - its careless what happened and it didn't need to happen - how it effects me is because on numerous occasions i had decided to play with my life - i always had a sense of what i was doing was wrong and careless - i never got too out of control - but i have found myself in freezing doorways and cowering in dark bathrooms using a small teethed knife to inflict damage upon myself -

too many times i did this - and have since quit - i haven't cut myself in a long time - but do have some scars to show for my stupidity - i guess once in a while you see how stupid some things you do are - i knew it was dumb to do - but today while driving home on a desolet road i realized how dumb i had been - looking at my scars that won't go away - i feel very bad for my cousins having to grow up the rest of thier life without a father - - while listening to the songs on the radio - azure ray turned into modest mouse...."and we'll all float on alright,
already we'll all float on, aliright
don't worry even if things end up a bit to heavy, we'll all float on, alright
already we'll all float on, alright
already we'll all float on, ok
don't worry we'll all float on
even if things get heavy we'll all float on, alright
already we'll all float on, don't you worry we'll all float on"

goodbye