DEAD

so it has been a week since i have written him multiple heart felt letters (not all at once mind you) - and i have received nothing from him - what am i to do - well nothing anymore - i am done with it - which in essence means that this is done - this site was for him - this site was about him and what we had - now i believe it is done -

we had a good run though - i still love the kid - and if you go back through and count all the times me made me cry and all the times that i went nuts over him - i'd say that is a bench mark of a great relationship - well at least that he completely had me

right - well yes - so until somethings happens again - this is dead -

the end of it all

MASS CONFUSION TAKES HOLD

so now i am not sure where i stand in life - i have not really gotten a yes or no answer from the man i love about us - i have not actually gotten much of any sort of answer from him - but we did have supper last night and then we went and hung out with some friends of him - that was fun - obviously he thinks enough of me to take me to meet those people - he could have just taken me to my car or not gone - oh well - who really knows - all i can say is that i miss him - i miss the whole thing - i keep thinking of that super desperate letter i wrote him about how i wanted to be with him and all these things - it was so desperate - i feel stupid - i feel completely dumb for this - why am i even like this - he would tell me i am just acting my emotional age - which i yelled at him to stop telling me that - wether that happens - we'll see - but yesterday was a surprise that i got to see him - i just thought he would go to sleep and i would be home before or when he woke up - it is so much easier to get yourself set on the bad - so when it happens you don't get the let down - oh i am pathetic - but i still love him - and i will always love him - hell this whole blog is about him - oh i am a stalker aren't i - please no one answer that - i don't want to know -

ALONE IN THE WASTELAND : I AM ALONE NOW

so i went to the bar and saw that the boy was there - i refer to him as the boy to keep his identity a secret - although who the fuck cares i have no idea - but i went over to him and told him i liked his shirt - it was one that i gave to him - we chatted a bit - nothing really to interesting - just small talk - i wanted so bad to just hug him and say everythign to him - but i first asked him if he got my phone messeges - he said no - oh hell then - he has no idea what he is about to get - so some time went by and he got up and said he was going to leave - i asked him if i could crash at his place and he said "no i would rather you not tonight" - now i am sorry - but that only gives me bad ideas about what is going to happen then later - i have had friends and an x who told me not to come over only to go and do things with other people - and i guess if he was blowing me off - then that is fine - its a free world - - - - well i followed him out and to the cars - i told him to check his messeges - and he left - i then called him and asked him if i could come over to his house and talk to him - he said yes - what happened next was the hardest thing i have ever had to do in my life -

so i got to his house and went inside with him - he stood right in the door way going past his dinning room table as to not let me get into the house - and then i spilled it all - i told him that everythign i had said on the messege was true - i didn't come to sioux city for a job - i could have gotten three in ames easliy - and they paid a whole lot more too - i didn't come back for family - i love them but i can't stand them sometimes - i honestly came back to sioux city for him - everything i have done is for him - and if that makes me sound crazy then so be it - i was sorry that things turned out and happened the way they did - but i don't know what to do anymore - i love him - and that all i wanted was to be with him - i have done this and i am here for him - i know that we have had some huge problems - but relationships have problems - and i can't ask for him to take me back - but i really really love him - and then i gave him a huge - he laid his head on my shoulder and i about thought i was gonna die - - - and then i said good bye - i'd call him later - and i left - and then i came back - i got as far as the second door out - there are three - he was still standing in the same place he was before - i told him that i thought this was insane - that i swear he still feels for me and that i know we are good together - i even dug out the quote from him - "all i want is to know that you are here everyday when i wake up and when i die i want you to be there with me" - and i said - i don't know if that was all bull shit or the truth but i have been carrying it with me for so long now - i just don't know what to do anymore - i told him i was so scared to walk out the door cause i thought he would never see me again - and i was - still am scared about that - the pain of a broken heart is amazing - i sometimes think i should have finished what i started a long time ago - the self destruction - but it would do no good - i would just be covered with more reminders of the bad things that have happened - so i hugged him again - kissed him on the cheek and walked out the door - on the way to the house that drama built i called him and told him that was the hardest thing i have ever done in my life to walk out on him then - and it was - i feel asleep on trevors couch somewhere around four alone - and it is were i might end up again tonight - for i believe that i am alone again -

THERE IS NO TIME THAT IS THE RIGHT TIME - SO JUST GIVE UP ALREADY AND DO IT

eh - things are a little weird here on the man front - that sounds bad - let me rephrase things for you - as in my relationship with the boy - things are weird - but when haven't they been that way - true

well i supose that things are going ok - i went out for dinner with him twice as friends last weekend (or atleast i think that is what it was - i wish it was a date - and i hate dates - god that makes me sad and desperate) - the first was at garfields and we just had supper and then had beers all night - we talked for a good three hours i think - it was nice to get to do that - afterwords we went back and crashed at his house - the next night we went to town house pizza place - its up on floyd blvd - i have never been there before but have seen it many times - it was a nice little joint - i was not to sure at first - but i did like it - what can i say i had great company - after eating a great pizza we went to the bar for a while - it was not very entertaining that night which was kinda a huge bummer - we ended up leaving early which was fine cause when i got home i went right to bed - i was exhausted - the next day he let me sit with him on the floor and rub his back - oh god he has such a nice back - hell the whole body is great - which brings me to the thing i was going to talk about today - as much as i wish i was dating him right now - and i do wish that so much - it was nice to get to know him on a friend level but more so i enjoyed the time i spent with him just talking - and oh my god that is such a turn on for me - a man with a brain that isn't just spurting out sportscenter quotes or lines for the latest adam sandler movie - which for your information i hate all of them but one - punch drunk lovewas great - recomend it - but anyway - i mean the attraction was always there - as i wrote to a friend - we were more bedfellows then anything at frist - we really didn't know each other at all - but the attraction was so strong it was hard to ignore it - to this day i will say it was love at frist sight - and i believe that completely - i even broke my cardinal rule of knowing a guys last name before anything - i didn't get that till the fourth time i say him - lying in bed with him - oh yikes - but none the less - there are strides being made here - and they are good - i am always a little confused as to what he thinks - i hope its good - i hope its me - and so on - well i guess i would just be happy if he told me he liked being with me - i think that would just about put me on cloud nine -