ONE STEP CLOSER TO THE EDGE

by all accounts i can be a somewhat gullable person - for the most part - i am a pretty honest guy - so when someone tells me something i will believe them - at one point tonight the boy was telling me that he was looking for a hook up - now i kinda knew that he wouldn't do something like that - it seems that it is not in his character to meet up with strange guys for casual sex - but when a conversation goes on for a long time about it - there is a point when you think - that maybe - just maybe he is telling the truth - i mean - who knows what people do - everyone has a dark side to themselves - why couldn't this be his darkside - it very well could be - so i believed him after a while of this - and then he was upset caused i believed him - what am i supposed to do - there is not much left for me - i did at one point in time think - no way - he wouldn't do this - but maybe he did - who really knows for sure - if he says he won't though - then that is good enough for me - no worries -

in some other news i have just gotten an interview for a job back home in sioux city - which does put me one step closer to establishing my independence - yes - i will be free one day - i will be free - so the interview is with the boys and girls home for a potential job as a youth counselor in a residential shelter in either siux city or south sioux city - personally either place is fine with me - i just want to get a job - i really think this job will be good though cause i will get to work with kids and also stay in a shelter setting - i like shelter work for some reason - which is good - cause someone needs to do it - yes - also i did a breif look up of some apts. to live in the city - and i found some really nice little apts. downtown in high rise buildings - which could be fun - one i know the building - it is nice with a controlled entrance - i would like that place alot - but i need to see what exactly i will be getting paid first - cause pay=living - and will little pay their will be little living - cuase i need money to drink with - so housing might need to be downgraded - hehehe but we'll see when that happens - i'm coming home to the boy -

I'M GOING HOME

so the news of the day is that i am graduating in may of this year - yes i decided that i need to get out of here now and i have decided that it is the time to do it - i was going to stay in town for the summer - but there are some oppertunities that are opening up and i think that it would be stupid of me to not take them - so i need to go home and do that - so today i handed in my graduation application and i am waiting for the lady to tell me that it is ok - which i know she will - things are ok - and i have all the things that i need to graduate - so i will soon be gratuating and then i will be going home - i will stay at home for probably a month and then i will get a apt of my own - my own house - that will be so cool - i will live in my house - and it will rock - and i will be able to have nights free - thank god - for the first time in like five years that i will have nights free to do whatever i want to do - that will be so much fun - oh there are so many good things to come and i can't wait for them - yes! yes! yes! - i am graduating and i will go home and hopefully i will find the man i want to be with forever - oh god i hope i can find him - and i hope he realizes it -

A MINOR INCIDENT

- last night was particularly devastating - for reasons that i will not go into - i have decided that i do not care what happens anymore - i am to the last straw and i am not gonna keep throwing myself out there anymore - i have been torn apart numerous times - even for things that are not of my doing - i am just to the point where it is either gonna have to stop or it will be the death of me -

TONIGHT...A CHANCE MEETING...PERHAPS

so i am deciding if i want to go out tonight - i know hes gonna be at the bar - but i am not sure if i want to see him and i do not know what is gonna happen - probably nothing - you know how i tend to make mountians out of nothing at all - but still - i get so nervous sometimes and i don't know why - i guess it is just something i will grow out of hopefully - love is so stupid i think - the way it makes everything feel - eh - there are just too many things going on - but still - i really should go cause i promised chad that i would go and see him all dressed up - he is my secret boyfriend you know - yup - hehehe - oh that is such fun - oh well - lets see what happens

I SEEM TO HAVE DEVELOPED A BOTHERSOME SIDE

am i a bother - i used to think not - i always said - someone tell me if i am bothering you - and that would usually stop it - and it has happened - where i become to into things - or i get too close to someone - and i need to step back - and i think i have done that again - but i am not sure - perhaps i could just be imagining things - or perhaps i am just annoying - either way - i think that i am doing something weird and i need to stop it - maybe a weekend of just myself and no one else - well other people - but me and involvement with no one else - i think that might be what the doctor prescribed - cause i don't want to be that guy - that guy who won't let go - or that guy who is so annoying - or that guy who is just out of his mind - it is sad - it is just sad that i have become this - and i didn't even realize it -

THERE IS A SEASON FOR EVERYTHING - WHAT SEASON IS THIS?

i am constantly confused by the recent and ever confounding events in my life - my roommates seem to get more hateful as the days go on - do they actually really hate me? - i am not sure - but their attitudes towards me are not that favorible - i was yelled at last night for turning the air on - but it was hot - and i have allergies - it would have been very bad for me to wake up and feel not good cause of the warm moist air - but that is fine - and i am just feeling more and more out of place here in town - i know i am leaving - but does everyone have to stop talking to me right now? cause that is what is happening - i was supposed to go out last night for liz's birthday - i waited till 10:45 for them to call and then i took off to the rec - caues i was not going to go out i atleast needed to work out - so on my way back i received a call asking where i was and that i shoudl go down there - i didn't know what to do - but i was tired - overall i decided it would be best for me to stay at home - i need to get used to the having no friends around thing that is happening - and while i know i will be fine with it in the long run - it will take some time to get by it in the beginning - i feel so negative right now - and rightfully i am - but oh well - there is not much i can do about this - and besides - what if i could - would it change anything - not really - i am still leaving - perhaps it is better off this way -

also i am getting a little saddened by the standoffish nature of the boy - he is and has been a little - well at certian times he just seems to shut down - and that is fine - protection is a natural human thing - it just makes me frustrated - oh well -

HO HUM - I THINK I'LL RUN AWAY TODAY

there are days when you just are in love with everything and you don't want anything to stop - i am having one of those right now - i am just lazing around my house at in sloan - the sun is out - and it is warm - i think i am going to go wash my car soon here - but i am jsut in love with this day - it is so lackadaisical - as for the home front - things are well - my friends just left and i am not sure what i am going to do the rest of the weekend - i may see him - well i probably will at the bar - i am sure i will go out and all - but who knows for sure - ah well - what i am i sitting around in here for - i am going outside - see ya chumps -

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THE MYSTERY BOY

- someones birthday is coming up - and i have decided that i am going to get him something - as of what - i am not sure yet - but i will deffinetly get him something - i was thinking about buying him a hoodie cause i know he likes them - and he wears them alot - so i thought ya that would work - and then i also thought about getting him a candle holder - something nice and in a dark brass - for his new bedroom - so i think that maybe i will - eh - i am not sure what to do - but oh well i think that i will get it figured out later - blah - i have more time later to do it - so oh well - i will get it figured out tonight -

oh so then somethign new is that - i will be going home this thursday - to see an alison krause concernt at this amazingly goregous theator - it is the sioux city orpheum theator and it is beautiful - i am gonna be all dressed up in my suit with two beautiful women there with me - it shoud be great - i can't wait - and i will also see the boy on that weekend too - which i am excited about - yes - i am happy - it will be good to see him again -

everythings accidental

so i went home this weekend - well for a day really - on friday and i am back today - saturday - because of a rather large and impending doom of a storm coming our way - ya - more snow - i am so excited - see the excitement on my face! - yes well i will assure you that it is - oh well - more importantly - i saw the boy - he was there and i hung out with him - it was fun again - i know that we can't be dating now - and i know that to ask that would be completely wrong - we live to far apart and now are in two different worlds - so i won't ask for that - until a time in the future when it is more feasible - if there is ever a time - that is almost saying people should wait for the right time to have a baby - when is it the right time - is there a right time - and more interestingly - when will it present itself to me - will i see a red moon with the picture of audrey hepburn in it saying - "honey go make that man yours and then fetch me a drink" - well whatever the sign i hope i recognize it -