there is a time for every season - and this is the season of loneliness

oh hell i am not sure what to do anymore - i am confused - i can only say so many times that i am not and will not be involved with my ex - and there is nothing that i can really do anymore - what it comes down to is that i am not going to be believed until i am away from him - at this point in time - i am living with him and we are around each other - and for this reason - i can not be dating someone else - and i will not be dating someone else - the man i want told me that my x is a part of my life and that he will always be - i disagree with that statement - because it is evident that after we leave this house we will not be togeather - and until i leave this house i will not be with anyone - i have seen what i want - and i have experienced the love that i want - and i will not rest till i get it - things are good between us - everything except for the one person keeping us apart - and it is just the idea of him that is keeping us apart - and the things he does are not nice either - but at this point in time - he is not really being a major presence - but if iwhat we need is to be freinds until i can get home then that is fine with me - i will completely go along with that idea - of even not friends - as much as it will hurt me - is fine if it holds possibility for the future - all i can say is that i will be here and i will always be here for him - whenever he wants me all he has to do is call me - i am keeping it all open for him -

experience is the name so many people give to their mistakes pt.IV

it has been shown to me that things are not working out - and i think i actually agree with him on this one - so to take this measure in a way that we can fix things - we are taking sometime off - and i think - also that it might be best if we do that - there are somethings going on that are quite rediculous and shouldn't be happening - what can i say - i still have no contol over them - all i have is what i know and how i feel - and apparently that is not good enough - although the point was made - and it is a good and valid point - that he refuses to play the bad guy anymore - and i think that is a good point - things need to get solved between me and my roommate - otherwise this will continue on for a very long time - so after a long while i thought things were back to a sort of state of normalcy - i was talking to him and we were having fun talking - we would chat on AIM and on the phone - once a day usually for about forty minutes - that is not dreadfully long - but it is some span of time - oh well - but point being that we were having fun again - talking - so it was one night last week as we were talking when apparently he asked my roommate about this little quiz that he had made about himself - and from what it sounds like - the boy was actaually making a sincere attempt to be friends and be kind to him - apparently he even said something to the effect of 'i think we should go out to the bars sometime and just talk' which is very nice and shows some huge movement on his part of wanting to meet people that i know - and from what understand the roommate responded with - no - i never want to meet you - which is a little harsh - there are alot of other things that he could have said - like - no thanks - or i don't think that is a good idea - or something else less blunt - i think the boy really wants to get to know him and figure things out here - cause personally i am getting to the point where i am going to have to choose between the two of them - and what do i do - two possibilities

THE TWO CHOICES IN MY LIFE
#1. i can choose to be and remain friends with my roommate - which is pretty stupid because he has even told me himself that after he leaves he is thinking about just starting his life over and communicating with any of us anymore - that his past life is too messed up and he wants to begin anew - i have no problem with that - i guess if he wants to then let him - i can't make him talk to me nor can i make him hang out with me - so if he needs to move on - then move on now - and leave me alone and leave him alone - it is insane to think about the amount of crap that i have put up with lately involving this situation - he asks me not to bring him to the house and to respect that wish - i have - i have asked him about it - but i have not brought him to the house - i asked him not to talk to him - and he then the next time that the boy writes him - talks to him - which is what started this whole new problem - he did not respect my wishes - apparently - he also treatened him with - if you ever hurt him, ill find you and hurt you - which is actually ironic because everytime he does something like that he hurts me - but oh well - so choice one is to stay with a apparently dying friendship - with no hope of salvage
#2. or i can choose to work on and develop the relationship fo friends and who knows what else that this juncture with the boy - we get along at this point and are actually having a pretty good time - what can i say i do like him - i will be moving home later to attending schooling and save money to pay on my school loans - so i will be closer to him - and i think that is possibly a good thing - i would like to be around him to the point where i can see him daily if i like - that would be nice - but at this point in time i would completely settle for being friends with him - i would love to be just his friend if that is all we can be - that is far better then nothing - that i am experiencing now - a self impossed split -

so those are the two options that i have before me - and i think that i would be safe to say that it would be insane not to pick number two - well if number one is dying - why put anymore work into it - he himself said there is really no hope - so if there is no hope then why are we continuing on like this - ? - it is a question that begs an answer - and i am not sure that i will get one - the boy told me that i need to figure out the baggage in my life before we can really talk again - and i agree - i just wish i could get the baggage figured out - cause at different points in time - the baggage is either there or it is gone - and when it says it is gone it is apparenty lying cause it still comes back to hurt -

experience is the name so many people give to their mistakes pt.III

things have turned out well for me - i did recieve something good in the mail - i got the pillow sham for my bed set - he is such a sweetie - i swear - it was very thoughtful - and i was surprised he remembered - so things there are well and i am happy - i will be returning home here in a few days and i will no doubt see him - i hope things will be good in person - i think they will be -

also i must add on my own accord that some things said in a previous blog about my x are not true - for one - i was incorrect when i said that he was still in love with me - that was a gaff by me - i appologize for that - and i also called him spiteful - which was also not right - i know he is trying to get along - and i am trying to get along - things just aren't meshing well - hopefully things in the future will be better - and also if he decides to move on and not continue this friendship - then i'll let it be - two people have to want it - it can't just be one - so again - i appologize -

experience is the name so many people give to their mistakes pt.II

so many things can happen in the matter of a few seconds - what we know can change dramatically - it can influence people and it can change perceptions about the future - as of today at 2 i thought that i was not going to be able to see someone i like - and as of now at 1 a.m. i am not so sure of that early assumption - in fact i am completely changed in my earlier thoughts - i now think that there is a chance that things can happen and that we maybe able to salvage ourselves and keep this alive - i am opptamistic about that happened today and i think that we might be on the track to a healthy thing - i did not hear from him after we had a little dispute - until he called - there was something in his voice - something have taken as a wanting - i maybe completely wrong in this assumption - but i think that he doesn't want to let go of this - i think that he wants this to work - but that we just don't know about how to go about it - it scares me to think that i could lose him - and i think it scares him also - to think that we could have a great thing - but that distance could throw it away - it is easy to get pissed that we are put into this situation - and i would love to be able to be there with him now - to be there with him everyday - wake up next to him - and fall asleep next to him - to always know that he is there beside me - it would be something that i would love to experience - and the thought of that at risk scares me - i am afraid that i could lose him for good - and i hope that i will not - but i guess we will wait for tomorrow - and the next day and always play things by ear - and by heart - whatever happens will happen i guess - i will fight for this to work - as hard as i can - but if for some reason it ends up not working - i will always remember that i met a great guy - and that i will always think of him -

experience is the name so many people give to their mistakes

i was talking with the boy about things today - and we got to talking about how he needs to fine me a man - and i again - played it off - so i told him that he was what i wanted - and he said he was off the market - and i aksed why - and he said cause he was hurt twice and doesn't want to be hurt again - and i did that - i hurt him twice - i know i have - so i can't have him? - is that what he was telling me - was he telling me that i can't have him cause i hurt him twice - even though one time was not of my doing - but from my spiteful ex - who knows - i guess i will just need to wait for the mail to come and see what i get - hopefully it will be good -

Metal heart
written by cat power

Losing the star without a sky
Losing the reasons why
You're losing the calling that you've been faking
And i'm not kidding

It's damned if you don't and it's damned if you do
Be true 'cause they'll lock you up in a sad sad zoo
Oh hidy hidy hidy what cha tryin to prove
By hidy hidy hiding you're not worth a thing

Sew your fortunes on a string
And hold them up to light
Blue smoke will take
A very violent flight
And you will be changed
Sand everything
And you will be in a very sad sad zoo.

I once was lost but now i'm found was blind
But now I see you
How selfish of you to believe in the meaning of all the bad dreaming

Metal heart you're not hiding
Metal heart you're not worth a thing

Metal heart you're not hiding
Metal heart you're not worth a thing

THE TRUTH IS RARELY PURE AND SIMPLE. MODERN LIFE WOULD BE VERY TEDIOUS IF IT WERE EITHER

the more i talk to him the happier i am - today i talked to him briefly and it was amazing - i love even talking about nothing - with him - oh it was so much fun - we just sat and talked about porno and things that happened the last time i was home - it was nice - there is no unusual pauses or silences - or atleast i think it is ok - i don't notice anything - but then again i may have a skewed sense of reality - i have before - but something good to look forward too - one - spring break will be coming up here soon - and that means there is a possibility of me being at home for a whole week and two weekends to see him - yes!! - a whole week of me at home with him - could i possibly be going to heave - yes i think so - and then second - which is actually an interesting thing - i have received a note form him saying that i am to receive something in the mail on about wednesday - and i am completely lost as to what it could be - at first he was denying that he sent something - but then he told me to wait till wednesday - wow - i am so excited - i am thinking on of two things - one he is sending me back something that i gave him - which would be completely devestating - but since i am actually living on borrowed time right now i would understand or two he is sending me some sort of gift or letter - both of which would be fun to receive - he called it mail - so i guess it will be a letter - he didn't say package - oh this could be fun - god - i hope that it is something good - i am already completely apprehensive about it - about what it could be and what i maybe receiving - i am just thinking that it is something that we talked about earlier - and that is what i am going to believe it is - that way no matter what it is - i will stop worrying about it - cause i really am - oh hell - i think it will be good - i really think it will be good - oh my god i am freaking out -

THE LONELINESS OF A MIDDLE DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP

well at least i'd like to think it is a relationship - but who really knows for sure if it is or not - i think that after last weekend - which was highly touted as the make or break - and which turned out very well - i think - that we maybe back on track for something - as to when and where - i am not really sure - but in all honesty - as long as i have him and know he will talk to me and that i can see him - this is damn good - i am so ready to get out of school and go to be with him that i can't stand it - sure i am going to take a semester to a year off - depending on when it would be better for me to enter graduate school - but i would be lying if i didn't say that part of this is for me to see him - and it is true - it is for me to see him more - and work on this - and see where it goes - i can say that things have been electric with us - i think that if we can get together and stay there we will be for a very long time - he is the kinda person i had hoped i would end up with - and i think that i have finally got it - as for previous relationships - they were good - and i thought that they would work too - but they didn't and i am sorry for that - but i can't and will not dwell on the past anymore - not when there is a future right in front of me - but last weekend was good - my parents were out of town all weekend so i used this oppertunity to go and stay with him - at one point in time i was goign to leave and he said 'why go...what do you have to do' and true i didn't have anything to do - but i hate to be annoying - so i guess i was not annoying - what can i say i was scared to spend the whole weekend with him cause i so didn't want anything bad to happen - but nothing did - so i think that is a good sign - a very good sign - that i can be tollerated and i can tollerate him - not that he did anything to bother me at all - truthfully - i was not annoyed once by anything he did - no petty arguing - no little snide remarks - not one thing - and i guess that means something - shit i am probably building this up in my head to be something that is greatly larger then what it is - but maybe i am not - maybe he could feel the same way i do - and if that is true - then i want to be with him - i want him here with me and i hope it happens - he's such a cutie kid -