on fields of blue and gray is where i will stay...waiting for your love

i guess when i think about it - i should not be too saddened that things have turned out the way they have - i am and have always been a person whom things really don't work out for - i used to say that i had the worst luck out of anyone - and i think that people would have agreed with that statement - but now i think that i have swung the bad luck door right into my face - out of all the things that could have happened - i would have chose something - anything over this - because now i have to go and look at the stark reality of my life without him - and i know that by saying this i am making some people mad - and i guess all i can say to that is - i am sorry - once upon a time i did love - but now i have come to the point where i love another - it is not that i do not love you - it is just that i am not sure if i can commit myself to something that i think is not working out - it is not good for both of us to hurt each other - but stay togeather for it - cause we should - i need to move on with my life and the likewise is the same for you - but my life has changed now - i used to be quite happy with myself - now i am very disapointed in the way that i have handled things in this short lived relationship - i have been completely non-problem confronting with things - and in the process i think that i may have doomed myself to lose this great oppertunity that i had - but for one thing - ihe still has to make the final decision - i am set in my thoughts and that i know that i want to be with him for a very long time - i am moving home for him and i am going to commit myself to this - i feel that we are both looking for the same thing - and we have found it - i really never put much stake in the love at first sight theory - that you could look at someone and see that they are the person that you would spend the rest of your life with - but i think that now - after experiencing the highs and lows of this relationship - and remembering the first time that i saw him sitting at the bar with kurtis - looking at me for a brief moment and then looking away - i do believe that i knew he was it - that he was the one for me - and that i wanted this to work out more then anything else right now - so now i have come to the crossroads where i have to decide what i am going to do - i want him back - but i do not want to risk hurting him anymore - i do not want him to go on feeling how he is feeling - so do i tell him that i want him and that i need him - or do i tell him that later i think we should date - as of right now i think that i want him now - i do not think that i can wait another month - week - or day for him - i do not like my life without him in it -

- until i died from a broken heart -

things again get ruined

THE CURTIAN FALLS UPON US

- problems abound in my life - there are to many to count on any one ocasion - latest and greatest - is the idea that my ex won't let my bring my boy to the house - because he says he is uncomfortable with him being there - and that if he were in the same situation that he would respect my wishes - i find this a very had thing to believe - for one i did tell him i didn't like someone - and he brought them to the house when i was not here - this is not a two way street that we are on - it is only one way and i do not feel that i am being treated fairly in this situation - i feel like because of his feelings toward me in a particular area i will not be able to have a romantic life as long as i remain in this house - i feel sorry for myself for getting myself into this situation - it is a bad one and i am not sure if i will make it out alive -

BEGINNINGS AND CONCLUSIONS

oh the wonders of a vacation - i went home last saturday to see my dying cat - truthfully - my siamese barn yard cat (a mix of the two) fell off the bathroom sink and aparently didn't land on her legs - as sad as it is kinda funny - she fell and broke her hip the vet thinks - but he is not too sure about that - anyway - i got her when i was 7 years old and now being 23 - - oh god she is old - 16 in human years - but i heard a human year is like 7 cat years - so that would make her - 112 - jesus - well anyway - she is very old - check my math is might not be right - but anyway - they were thinking of putting her to sleep so i had to go home for it - she was my baby - my childhood pet - well and countless dogs that were hit by cars - but after two or three of them - you kinda get desenseatized and if it ended up living three years you were blessed - well i went home - and i knew i wanted to see the boy - i really did - but i didn't want it to be bad - i really didn't think i would be able to handle a rejection that night - so i got home - found a friend - she didn't want to go out - so i went out by myself - at the bar i saw some of his friends but did not see him till the very end - and then we only did stand - not much talking for about five minutes - after the bar i went to an after hours party where he was also at - and then we talked there - things were said and feelings were patched up - i think things might be getting better and i raelly hope so -

THE CLEAN SWEEP?

hmmm - interesting title - actually it has to do mostly with tonights activity - i could be out - i could be getting drunk (again) with some friends - but instead i chose to sit in the house - listen to pumpkins and the new zwan - and clean my room - with sours (0.5 cup crushed Ice - 0.5 cup Lemon juice - 2.0 oz Rye/Whiskey - 0.5 teaspoon Sugar) of course - really this is the only way to do it - i believe that i will get alot accomplished or pass out trying - either way - it is no real problem - but anyother thing that i am refering too with the title - is that i have managed to completely throw out all the love in my life - two boys - both of them a new and an old love - they are both gone - no hopes - no nothing - it is pretty interesting i guess - how it happened and that they were both a result of each other - - so what comes next? - nothing - what do i do now - do i look - or do i become a preist and move to a nice covenent in the south somewhere - where large busted nuns walk around and say to me - 'oh father your looking awefully sad today' - i could - but i think that i would eventually be the down fall of the covenent - alas i don't think that preist can drink - but if they can - oh baby - i have a new profession - love free baby - love free - and as happy as i seem - i think it is cause only deep down i am dead on the inside -

* there comes a point in everyones life where they have to decide what they want in life - i believe this is my time - i hope i know what to do *

THINKING OF A REASON

it is weird - to think that your life is over - to believe that you really have no reason for going on - and continuing on with everything - i have found another reason for going on again - a wonderful person has returned to me - and i remember again - why i do get up and go on so many times when i want to just waste it all - it is good -

A HIGHER MEANING?

perhaps i was to quick to judge things earlier - i am to quick to judge sometime and i think that i may have in past made a judgement error - i mean - i still believe i am a bad person - i am not recanting that statement - go back to 1-30-03 to see what i am talking about - perhaps i was wrong - and i am rethinking what is going on - i guess if things were meant to be then they will be - so i am going to stop thinking about it all the time - and worrying about it - it is gone from my mind -

THE TRUE LIFE
it seems the worst things can happen to the worst people - this statment seems to make no sense at all right - well i guess i thought that i was a good person - but as it comes to be - i am not as good as i think - things can happen in a person life that make then think about the way they have been living - i guess my day was today - i used to say that i cared about my friends more then anything in the world - but i now know that it is a lie - i can't care about them if i continually hurt them - it is stupid of me to think that i could even say that i care when i do the things i do - i wish someone would have told me a long time ago - i can't believe that i have been living a lie for all this time - i have been thinking that what i do is right - and allthought it can be said that everyone makes mistakes - i don't believe that people who habitually consciously make mistakes can claim that - that they just have bad luck - it doesn't ork that way - just as people who intentionally premedatate and kill people - are not seen as insane - although there are a few people who do make it past the trials and are granted the easy way out - i don't belive that i should be able to anymore - i no longer pretend to be good - cause there is no use - it has been demonstrated to me that i am not the person that i surpose my self to be - it is no reall big surprise that i am not this good - i have thought about it for years now - i am a complete farce - there is nothing good that can come of me - when it goes - the way it goes - i am bad - for all those that get involved - i am bad - nothing ends good - i have not had one good ending experience in the last year of my life - everything is marked in turmoil and tragedy - halloween - nothing short of a huge tragedy - parties at my house - a continual mistake - everything in my life is troubled - i guess that is where i get the name of the page - so smart to call it a bad deal now - cause things are always bad - i sometimes wish that things would be as simple as things were in an earlier time - when you would go and get married and never have to worry about anything - but that is not true either - i guess i am just looking for a way out - it is sad that i think this way - but i guess i have no other way to think - i am aa bad person for what i have done and for what i will always be and do - i can't change that - and i can't change anything else about life - this here would be the part where i say that i am tired of life and that i would rather die then contine on living in it - but i am not going to say it this time - i am here and until i go - i am here - until i decided that i can't possibly go on any longer then i am here with all of you - i am getting close to that point - but i am not there yet - i fear i will be someday though -