thigns are getting better - there are talks and even perhaps conversations in the future - at this point in time i am not looking for anything anymore - i would just like to get him to be friends with me again - i don't know if i could handle anything else at this time -

it's over - it is fucking over - i talked to him today - and i am sad about it - but i think i might have been for the better - i couldn't hav gotten into that - i really don't think it was an option for me - there were some issues - like me not worrying about him - i thought that is what people in relationships did - i thought we worried - i thought we carred about each other - isn't worrying an offshoot of caring - i don't know - i am sad about this - yes and i probably will be for some time now - but i guess it was ment to me - they say true love waits - and i guess it does - well see about this - but i will no longer hold my breath for it - things after this post are messed up - to access new enteries - go to the archives - most recent and those are new enteries

i killed him - he won't even talk to me - but i have apparently hurt him to the point of where he has to go to the hospital - to get new medication or something - i don't know what to say - i have never hurt anyone like this before - i have literally destroyed one of the most important people in my life - what can i say to that - does a life apease a life? - is there anything i can ever do to stop the pain of this -

so i posted my griefs to sinister - i needed to get them off my chest - and then i met someone - a sweet girl wrote me back and told me that it was ok - and it was so nice - to have someone to talk with about this problem that is so destroying me - i am so happy to have met her - she is somewhat having the same problem as i am - and we have been writing back and forth talking and trying to help each other out - it is so amazing - it is nice to have someone else to speak to - she is wonderful - thank you stine - you are great

it is interesting - to think that one can be in so much love - and be in so much sadness - it is not right - nor is it healthy - to have the perfect person infront of you - to be sleeping with the man you want to be with forever - and have it all decided by distances - is not right - i was told this last weekend - that i couldn't love someone - nor could he love me - because we lived more then two hours apart - and that to him - it was not an option - to be in or even start a relationship with such a great vast of land seperating us - i thought that it was bull at first - i mean - as i asked - why do you suddenly feel this way? - never before had he expressed any interesting in building a romance - althougth one was already firmly in place - and never before had he said that he didn't want a long distance one - and i will agree - long distance relationships are doomed to failure - but this situation is different - the type of feelings expressed and shown go far beyond anything i have yet experienced - but it was not be be - he said it can not be - he said he did love me - and if i lived in town we would be togeather for the rest of his time - but not now - and not like this - so now i am thinking - that for one to be in love - perhaps one must be sad - so i pose this question - to feel love - do you have to feel complete sadness? do you have to hit rock bottom to know the highs? -

so it is over - i am not sure what happened - but it is completely over - he is sending things back to me - it is over - i am deeply saddened by this and i really don't know what to say - it is done -

so i am not sure what to think - i just received a message from him saying that he wanted to return something that i gave him - it was a gift i do not want it back - i feel so confused and lost - i guess i just don't know what to think about what is going on - oh mmm... -

i called him to say hi on tuesday - to tell him that i am guessing that we are just gonna be friends and that is fine with me cause i would rather have him for a friend then nothing at all - but i have yet to hear back from him - which is what i was afraid of - i thought that when i left he would not talk to me anymore -because it would be easier then - for him to not think of me - but maybe i am wrong and i problably am - well that is about it for now - things are werid and i like him so

so i had a mildly good week - it was nice to see him again - but truthfully i have come to the conclusion that it won't work - it can't work - there are too many variables holding us back - and i am afraid that if i were to get into anything i would just get completely hurt - so i have decided that we should just be friends - as much as i would like to see something happen - i beieve that it would be better this way - for both of us - it would be better -

i got to talk to the boy last night - it was great - i called him origionally to tell him that i was coming home next week but that i was not going to call him anymore because i feel like i was being ignored and it was not helping me at all - i was getting sad again - about something that was going so well but continually messing up - but he answered - so i was really happy - he seemed - well atleast i believe he seemed happy to hear from me - we talked about some things - - but we easily skirted over the main questions - like what we think about what has been going on - but perhaps things like that are best discussed in person - so i will leave it to be talked about in person - but i was still just so happy that i actually talked to him - i really was thinking that i would not talk to him again - things were left very weird last i saw him on monday night - i know he called but that call really sounded like a goodbye call - so i am just thankful he answered the phone - i can't wait to see him on monday -

i have yet to hear from him - perhaps i have scared him off - i really hope that i have not -

i have yet to hear from him after the new years call - i think i have called him acouple times - i am not sure - i called him today and explained myself - what i thought and why i thought it - i hope he believes it all - i think he will - he has to know what i think - why i am thinking it - i has to know - or atleast understand - i know there is a large potential for getting hurt here - but i think that it is a chance that i want to take - i really have him caught in my mind - i can't forget him - i just can't - he is there and will be for a while - i can't get him out of my mind - all i think about it if he is well - or if he is ok - or what - he told me that one night that i shouldn't worry about him cause it is none of my business - and that i shouldn't get involved - but i feel i already am involved - i am in it now - and i want to be

so i got a phone call on new years night from my new kid - he wanted to call and say happy new years - and then it was something - he told me that he is in love with me - that he has been and it is just getting stronger - but that there are so many problems with us - first i am in college - and then that i am so far away from him - and i know that i did say that it was not a problem for me - that i was ok with it all - i did not think - perhaps it is a problem for him - and it is a problem - he does have a problem with me living so far away and me being in school - but what can i do - i have fallen for this boy the first time i saw him - i saw him and then i couldn't get him out of my mind - i still can't get him out of my mind - he is there and it is not leaving - i would love to be with him forever - to live with him - and to see him and to just be around him - he has the face - it says so much and is so stoic - it just gives off this look of comfort - it makes me feel so happy - so good - i know that this should not work - there is every reason in the world for this not to work but i feel that i owe it to myself to try it - and see if it will work - if i can make it work out - perhaps things will be better then we think - i understand that i will need to make sacrifices for this - and i am willing to do so - i just wish there could be a chance - i want him in my life - i really really do -