...AND NOTHING TURNED ITSELF INTO SOMETHING

the more i sit here and think the more i feel like i am going to be sick - i don't know what going on anymore - i saw him last night - i went to his place and i sat outside his partio door till i was freezing and then i went and got some coffee - all while doing homework mind you - when i had gotten back he was just pullin in so i went in with him and asked him if i could do my work here cause i didn't know any libraries in town - dumb excuse - but it was actually my real excuse - and he said he didn't care - so i did work - he cleaned - and then i had a huge heart to heart with him - i told him everything that i always tell him - and i think i found a reason - he thinks i am gonna leave him - so why get anymore invested - why wait for it to happen when you can nip it in the but now - before it gets big and ugly - and i am sitting here now with a man i want to call my boyfriend telling him i havn't even looked at another person and he is telling me - well incause you do - maybe i'll end this now - i tried hard not to cry at his house last night - cause that is the last thing he would want me to do - but i don't know what i have to do anymore to get through to him - i pretent like it doesn't hurt and it does - he thinks i am going to leave him and run away - when he is the only reason i am here - oh hell - if there was some way of me showing him my complete and total devotion to him i would - he is the best thing in my life and the last thing i ever want to be with - and here i am - alone - not with the best thing in my life - cause he thinks i am a cheater - aside from some past behaviors i have done nothing now to warrent this reaction - yet here i am now -

STILL NOTHING

so i have nothing new to report - i am still not being spoken to - no i take that back - he called me last night to speak with me about the whereabouts of a friend - and i guess that is a lot better then nothing - so that makes me happy - but other then that - nothing major - i just wish i knew where i went wrong this time - what did i do -i was devising a list of possible problems -

1. did not give adequate warning to my weekend outing
2. should have called him to see how he was each night
3. did not pursuade him hard enough to come along
4. should have not gone (?)
5. could have been more understanding when i returned
6. be smarter about the situation
7. not get out of control over these things
8. expect the worse constantly so as not to be surprised when it happens

well truthfully i am not even sure that to say about the situation - i miss him terriably - and i am pretty sure he knows it too - and i have this feeling he misses me - or atleast i hope he does - but i wish this could just get worked out - there is no need for this to happen -

OBSTACLE

so i left town last weekend - i was gone from friday through sunday - and somewhere in those days i have managed to upset my man - i am not sure what exactly i have done - but i have a guess that it is because i left -

there is an issue with me leaving - i am not sure what it is - something about a fear of me never coming back - or that i am actually going off to see someone else - but in truth i am doing nothing wrong and really am speaking highly of him to the person that i am with - i spoke about him non-stop - to the point where i was directed to change the subject - but then i returned back and found him upset at me - for my wrong doings -

i did not call him on friday and saturday - that is my fault for sure - i am sorry about that i know - i should have called to tell him i was safely over in wisconsen - and then on saturday to touch base and say hello - even if i only spoke to his voice mail - i should have called and i am sorry that i didn't call - it makes me seem like i don't care -

when in actuality he is all i care about - all that i worry about and all that i want - i would do anything for him - if he would only ever ask - and i know he doesn't want to depend on someone else - and i am not asking him to depend on me - i just want him to know that i love him and i will never leave him - he is all that i want - and i want him to be mine - and me his -

i do love him - more then he will ever know -